The Story About The Baby

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For a bust-a-gut, no punches pulled, account of what it is like from week 1 to have a baby, check out The Story About the Baby. As the author puts it, he finds just about everything 'very interesting' and he is also a 'jerk'. The combination makes for some excellent reading.

Some snippets:
On diaper treasure:
I went into the bathroom to wash it off. Then, thinking better of it, I returned to the room, grabbed the camera, took two good, close pictures of my finger and the goo for Baby Album B, and went to wash my hands really well.
On incessant sucking:
And if I didn't give her something to suck on, she would scream. A lot. Given the chance, she would suck my wife's nipples until there was nothing left there but a bare patch, like a Barbie. And sure, that would be totally sexy. But then our next kid would have nothing to eat.
On breastfeeding:
Oh, and about that "special bond" breastfeeding helps you develop. Come on. If you clenched a spiral-cut ham to your chest for eight hours a day, you'd develop a "special bond" with it too.
On vomitting:
Of course, maybe it's not just spitting up. Maybe she's three weeks old and already bulimic. I am a little worried about this, though, if this is the case, it's not all bad. At least she knows how important it is to be pretty.
On 'The Poo Bomb':
I watched TV, peacefully, with Cordelia lying on the couch next to me. She made some mildly fussy noises, so I picked her up, took her into the nursery, and checked her diaper. I then found that she had shat out, conservatively, 70% of her body weight. The waste product flowed around the diaper like the wind passes by a stick. I had to cross myself. It was majestic.
On potential first words:
This means, basically, that when she looks at me, I say daddy a lot. Daddy. Daddy. Daaaaady. It may be her first word. If it, and not mommy, is the first word out of her mouth. I WIN.
On the dangers of mobiles:
So if my darling Cordelia is going to hang herself on something, it's not going to be some shitty thing I threw together. No. My daughter deserves to meet a horrible and unexpected fate on the best educational device this world has to offer. And if that means dropping thirty bucks at Target, so be it.
Alright. That's enough snippets. Convinced it is funny yet? Go read the article.

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This page contains a single entry by Dylan published on February 21, 2003 1:01 PM.

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